Ms. Single Mom

2011-09-20T11:10:00.001-07:00

Test

Ya, Im THAT lucky...........

2010-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

[12:19] my baby: im so bored
[12:19] my baby: my goodness
[12:23] my baby: anyhow, i think the samething
[12:23] my baby: i wish u were nearer
[12:23] my baby: like we were in nyc - i had such a great time with u
[12:23] my baby: it always felt good
[12:23] my baby: to hang out with u
[12:23] my baby: n now u are sooo far
[12:24] my baby: that it is bothering me a bit
[12:25] my baby: i feel like i had it sooo good in nyc
[12:25] my baby: n now im in london, which is great
[12:25] my baby: but at the sametime, it is not the same
[12:26] my baby: ur not here to play with my belly
[12:26] my baby: ur not here so i can rest my head on top of u
[12:26] my baby: n watch my screen tv
[12:26] my baby: love that tv
[12:26] my baby: i even miss that too
[12:28] my baby: then u tell me, im going over there
[12:28] my baby: n im like great, for two weeks
[12:28] my baby: that is not the way i want it
[12:28] my baby: n there is nothing i can do
[12:28] my baby: n there is nothing u can do
[12:28] my baby: n i love u
[12:28] my baby: n i miss u
[12:29] my baby: but i don't even want to think about that, cause i don't want to feel it
[12:29] my baby: when i saw u today on the webcam
[12:29] my baby: u are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen**
[12:29] my baby: n it bothers me that u are so far
[12:32] my baby: i had the best 8 months with u
[12:32] my baby: i had the best 8 months i had in a relationship
[12:32] my baby: it was amazing
[12:33] my baby: n i want it back
[12:33] my baby: the sameway
[12:33] my baby: n no--- i have not cheated on u
[12:33] my baby: n noo - i have not been with anyone else
[12:33] my baby: just in case u thought that
[12:34] my baby: i have been respectful to u
[12:34] my baby: im just feeling home sick
[12:35] my baby: n i miss u a lot
[12:35] my baby: i miss ur love
[12:36] my baby: u find our connection, maybe once in a lifetime
[12:37] my baby: n u get me
[12:37] my baby: n i get u
[12:37] my baby: hard to find that

[15:52] my baby: but know this - all in all
[15:52] my baby: u have become my backbone
[15:53] my baby: when im low, u make me feel good
[15:53] my baby: n i looove u
[15:53] my baby: i doo
[15:53] my baby: i love that u make me feel good
[15:53] my baby: i love that i feel so comfortable around u

[16:21] my baby: goodnite my love
[16:21] my baby: i love u
[16:22] meeeeee: gn.....
[16:22] my baby: more than anything in this world
[16:22] my baby: n i love the way u are
[16:22] my baby: n i miss u more than u know
[16:22] meeeeee: im right here.
[16:22] my baby: it is not the same wihtou u
[16:22] my baby: muah!
[16:23] meeeeee: <3

**what makes this part soo special is he said I looked beautiful. When in fact, I had just rolled out of bed, hadnt brushed my teeth or hair since the morning before, and I was still in the clothes from the day before. Love really is blind.........

I Can Deal with Selfish

2010-09-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

I was just reading thru the last few months of posts. And like Ive said before, it is alot of complaining. Especially about 1 person. I feel really bad, because in general, he is 90% perfect.

The entire time I was married, I would dream about my 'real husband'. The man I was going to spend forever with, as soon as I could get out of my horrible marriage. I knew exactly how I wanted him to treat me, every characteristic he should have, how I thought he was going to look. I wouldnt settle for anything less. I am a good girl and deserved 'the best', in my opinion.

So, when I started talking to my current boyfriend 9 months ago, I was amazed at how he had just about ALL the things I demanded in a mate. My gut instinct, in just talking through the computer was- I think you met your soul mate. Funny thing is, he actually wrote that to me 1 day before we met. He said(typed) the exact words, "I think I have met my soul mate." When we met in person, as nervous as I was, I felt such a calm over me, that I was sure my instincts were correct. Not only was he a great guy inside, but he was sooooo cute on the outside and I was realllly attracted to him.

During the following months, I never doubted my feelings, not even once. I was treated so well. With just the right amount of love and respect. Ive been living in a dream since December 5th. Sure, there are days I am realllly mad at him, as present in the past few blogs, but at the end of the day, I know that you gotta take the good with the bad. There is no such thing as a 'perfect relationship", but ours is pretty close.

Serial Monogomist Nympho

2010-09-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

I dont know why that seems like such a weird combination. For some reason, when it comes to sex, I dont think there is anyone in this world who thinks like me.

I love sex, and in a perfect world, I would be having it the majority of my day. And sexually, I think Ive done everything imaginable. What I have learned from this is that all that craziness is not necessary(for me)ever again. I have found that the best sex Ive ever had was also the most simple. It just feels good. The first time I "made love" was when I was 31, and I can say that thats what I was searching for my whole life.

For the last 7 months, this was all Ive had. I was really enjoying it. It seriously got better and better as we grew closer. I even had my first real orgasm during this sex. (Im not saying Ive never had an orgasm, what I am saying is this was the 1st one that didnt come from self-stimulation or 1 of my toys.)

Now for the serial monogomist part. I was in my 1st relationship for about 13 years. 13 years o the most horrible sex. I think our longest 'session' was 10 minutes. It was never for my pleasure. I cant think of 1 good thing to say about my sex life during that time. He didnt even like blow jobs! And that is my favorite thing on earth to do. We just werent sexually compatible...The point I am trying to make IS: even though it was mannnny years of sexual torture, I STILL never ever thought about other men sexually. As a matter of fact, we were legally seperated for over a year, and I didnt touch another man until our divorce papers were signed. Morally, I just COULDNT bring myself to do it.

While I was single, I had more than enough one-night stands to know I dont EVER want that again. It only took about 70 people before I figured that 1 out. I wound up pregnant with Zoe, and spent 18 months alone, because I knew that from now on, I had to be true to myself and NEVER AGAIN have a 1 night stand or meaningless sex.

The 1st person I had sex with after this 18 month period, I am proud to say is the only man Ive been with in any way since Zoes conception. If I had my way, he would be the only man I will make love to for the rest of my life. And now that he is away, and I havent had sex in almost 2 months, and all Ive got to work with is my imagination, I realized that I only use him in my fantasies!! Is this normal? Why when I am with a man, can I no longer think of other men sexually??!! The insanity is even to the point where I dont care if another man on earth looks at me this way either. Is this normal? Am I the only 1 on this planet who is this insane?

90210

2010-09-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

I realize this blog is soo negative. And I mainly come here to vent. It IS like a diary and helps me feel better. Even though I know I shouldnt put these negative thoughts out to the universe. So, I am going to keep this very short...

I have been feeling so abandoned and unappreciated lately. And it really, really hurts.

Jumbled Thoughts

2010-08-02T11:29:00.003-07:00

Just need to make order of the jumbled thoughts in my head. I need to get them all out so when I do write this letter formally, it will come off with the love it is intended to, instead of anger...

OK, my love, I am going to analyze you, as this is my gift.

You are *snowballing* into a very negative situation. But this is nothing new. It is something you've done your whole life. You keep alllll the people who love you the most at a safe distance. At first I didnt read much into you living with your mom, but keeping the door locked to most contact with her. You let her do everything she can for you; ie cook for you, clean for you, and NEVER show your appreciation.

But, this HUUUUUUUUGE green light has gone off!! you do this with EVERYONE. When you know someone is in your life forever, and are sure of this, you think you dont have to do anything more. You keep alllll your loved ones at a safe distance and ONLY give them the love and attention they *need* on YOUR time. Let me repeat that because it is so very important. You only give people the love and attention *they* need on *your* time. Does that make any sense to you??? Because you know that no matter what, they will always be there...My sister kept saying, "doesnt it scare you that he can move sooo easily away from his kids? from you?? from everyone he loves???!!!" But this is your defense!!!!!! And it is sooo selfish and unfair to EVERYONE involved.

So listen SIR. Im now in your life permanently. And I am here to make your life easier, and constantly help you be the best you. And this is a subject you need MAJOR help with. I am a strong woman. And I REFUSE to be treated like you to do your mom. You knowing I will do anything for you, so now you think you no longer have to show love.

You need to start being *selfless*. And learn to put others before yourself. It is great and admirable to go after your dreams. But it should never be at the expense of your loved ones! It requires balance! All the attention you show your job, you need to make it a point EVERYDAY to show the people who love you the MOST that same care and attention.

So, my love, my soul mate, my friend, sexiest man alive, and the reason for my happiness......WAKE THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! You have incredible kids, and a mom who loves you unconditionally, and now you have a girlfriend who will be there for you *no matter what*....all these things require daily attention, love, affection and care for them to grow and flourish...and if you just leave them alone because you know the sun is gonna shine one day eventually to give them some warmth, and it will rain eventually to feed them, and if it doesnt you'll get around to it when your not busy. then it may grow, but not as strong as it should. Why leave it to chance?

I love you. Im not going anywhere. You are my always and forever and just like you help me grow, I will always do the same for you....
even when I reallllly wish I was there just to bite you soooo hard on your shoulder right now!!!!! You also need a good kick in the butt!!!

Time

2010-06-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

So many old wounds have been opened. Hurt, deceit, loss of confidence, shame, embarrassment- to name a few. I dont know what is wrong with me that everyone always seems to wanna search for something better. Why am I not good enough??

Atleast with my ex, I expected it. This time I totally didnt. I truely believed my heart was protected. I gave my complete trust. So, Im really in a lot of shock and disbelief.

This one is going to take me a while to get over. I have too much faith in this relationship to go backwards now, and Ive seen a great future since day 1. So, I need to be strong.

Time will heal this. It always does. But its gonna be on MY time. In the meantime, I will continue to love him with the same intensity, because, honestly, I do love unconditionally, so I dont love him any less right now. But my guard is up.

Im cursed!

2010-04-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was stopped at a red light next to a field. On the side of the road eating grass was a goose. Just 1, even though they allllways travel in pairs. The light changed to green and I didnt even notice til the guy behind me beeped. My mind was too caught up in the extreme loneliness I felt from this stupid goose! And that lonely feeling consumed me the rest of the day.

This has been my life, every day all day for 31 years. Everywhere I go, and everyone I see, I dnt even have to focus on them, and their emotions overwhelm me. Not only that, but most people also emit such a strong aura that I see them in colors. It has affected my whole life in such negative ways. Ive learned horrible ways to cope. I stay home alot. I try hard to avoid new people and crowds. I try hard not to look strangers in the eye and do all I can to avoid touching them or shaking their hand. I do not want to feel or read them. And Ive been doing this so long now that I do it unconsciously. I am an Empath(or a spiritual healer), and I only wont admit to being a clairsentient because this is not something I am proud of and it is something I refuse to practice. It is not a gift, it is a curse. Until you've gone to the mall and taken on the feelings of th girl behind the counter, you cant realize how bad this sucks. Now times that feeling everyday times a million. It never goes away. I recently was reading a poem from someone like me, trying to explain how horrible this can be. I do not remember the whole thing, but 2 of the lines are "to me, a sound is noise.. a touch is a blow." Everywhere you go, there is so much information coming into your brain that you cannot process.

Fast forward to today where I found an article from another Empath. And she talks about something Ive never thought of researching before: how to learn to turn it off and on when you want!!! I never knew I could turn this off. I dont think I can even begin to describe how this feels. If I can learn to do this, it will change my life. I will not spend 24/7 lost in thought!!!!!

This is the article I found: http://www.eliselebeau.com/empathResources.php#being ... and these are some of the parts that I can realllllly relate to:
-When I was growing up, my parents thought I was an unusually quiet child. But I was constantly trying to sort out what I was feeling/thinking (as opposed to everybody else's stuff) and this left me very little energy to talk. It just seemed like even more noise. I was also paralyzed by what I was picking up from other people. If they were depressed, angry or confused, that's all I could focus on. So it was hard to say anything socially acceptable.
-I also had some extremely weird habits, such as falling into a trance-like state while putting on my socks. I would just drift away, as if I was day dreaming. My mom would have to prompt me several times with "Elise, finish getting dressed" before I would snap out of it.
-I never told anyone that I could feel what they felt simply because I had no idea this was unusual. I thought everyone felt like this. But the confusion it generated in me was quite overwhelming. I became socially withdrawn. Not interested in parties or any kind of group activities since it was impossible for me to focus on my own thoughts. It came across as shyness (and still does to this day).

Then the article goes on to teach positive coping skills so I can learn to turn this off when needed, which is most of the time. Im tired of *feeling* everyone else. My body feels tired and heavy all the time, like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and thats because Im carrying soo much emotion and stress from complete strangers.

It is soo true how strangers easily open up to me. That is where the spiritual healing part comes in. They can naturally feel- without knowing, that Im gonna take on some of their 'emotional baggage'. Its crazy and I hate it!!

P.S.- this does have some cool advantages. I can look at people and just change their mood, touch them and emit good or bad vibes. And I like being able to read the people that I do have around me. Sometimes though, when I do get a strong vibe, whether positive or negative, and I try and warn other people, they dont understand that its not just a feeling Im getting. For ex, a friend of mine has a friend coming into town, and the feeling I am getting is more than overwhelming. I can just look at a picture of this person and see a dark hazy aura surrounding them, and they are full of bad intentions. Instead I got, "well, u dont gotta like her, shes not YOUR friend!"...how do you describe to someone who doesnt understand this capability that they need to watch out??

(more to come later)

Pride:

2010-02-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

After 2 not so positive blogs, I kinda feel the need to quickly write 1 to change my tone.

I am soo happy for Bella for making all Wayne chorus.

I am soo proud of Gabe for making it into the talent show and having the courage, and actually enjoying performing in front of crowds.

I am proud of Bella and Jordan for both making the honor roll this marking period.

I am grateful for 2 weeks of stress-free mornings with Gabe. Not 1 fight in the morning.

I am proud of Chris because he always shows great respect towards me.

I am proud to be in a relationship with a great guy.

I am proud of myself for knowing what I want and deserve out of a relationship and never lowering my standards.

I am proud of myself for balancing a great home life and a great personal life.

I am proud to be someone who "practices what they preach."

to be continued......

Loves not supposed to hurt.

2010-02-23T12:49:00.000-08:00

What I said: I never expected that from you. I could never see you disrespecting me someway. The trust is soo far gone at this moment, and Im hurting very bad inside.

What I wanted to say: WAKE UP YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKER!! YOU ARE TOO SMART FOR THIS!! DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU??? YOU FELL FOR THE GAME OF SOME ONLINE ATTENTION WHORE. BECAUSE THAT WASNT FOR YOUUUU, IT WAS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. aND YOU TOOK THE BAIT SHE PUT OUT. AND FELL FOR A GAME. A CHILDISH GAME THAT TEENAGE GIRLS PLAY ONLINE. AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT YOU. SERIOUSLY, YOU CANNOT BE THAT INSECURE THAT YOU ARE GONNA FALL FOR EVERRRRRRRRY GIRL THAT GIVES YOU SOME ATTENTION, AND THINK IT MEANS SOMETHING??? WAKE THE EFF UP! YOU WERE WILLING TO COMPROMISE A GREAT THING FOR THIS?? OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS BEAUTIFUL. I FELT LIKE THE ONLY WOMAN IN YOUR EYES. AND NOW I DONT FEEL LIKE THAT. I NO LONGER FEEL SPECIAL IF YOU ARE WILLING TO PLAY OUR KINDA GAMES WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I NEVER EVER, NOT EVEN ONCE FELT THE NEED TO CHECK UP ON YOU. NOW I DO. YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO THE LEVEL OF EVERY OTHER GUY ON EARTH. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! AND IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING SIMILAR, BUT MY RATIONAL SELF KNOWS I WONT BECAUSE I NEVER EVER, FROM NOW UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE, WANT YOUR HEART TO FEEL ANY PAIN! I ALWAYS WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE BEST AT EVERYTHING IN MY EYES!! WE HAVE INCREDIBLE INTIMATE SEX, WHEN WE KISS AND HUG, MY HEART MELTS, WE GET EACH OTHER, WANT THE SAME THINGS IN THE FUTURE, BOTH LOOOOVE THE IDEA OF BEING THAT COUPLE WALKING THRU THE PARK AT 80 YRS OLD STILL HOLDING HANDS. I LOVE KNOWING WHAT A GREAT ROLE MODEL YOU ARE TO HAVE AROUND MY DAUGHTER, AND CAN TEACH HER SUCH GREAT THINGS!!! HOW NATURAL WAS THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU WENT AND DID THIS??!! I WANNA FEEL SPECIAL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! NOT LIKE 1 OF MANY, AND EASILY REPLACABLE!! I WANNA GO BACK TO DREAMING ABOUT TRAVELING THE WORLD, AND HOW WE ARE GOING TO SEE INDIA FIRST BECAUSE I SAID SOOOOO!! HOLY CRAP, I NOW KNOW WHAT IM GONNA INVENT SO WE CAN BOTH RETIRE, A TIME MACHINE! THEN I CAN GO BAK IN TIME, POKE YOUR SHOULDER AND SAY TRUST ME, SHES NOT WORTH IT. BECAUSE ANY GIRL THAT WOULD FLIRT WITH A GUY THAT HAS A GIRLFRIEND HAS NOOOO CLASS! AND HELLOOOO, IF SHE IS WILLING TO DO THAT, WAKE UP AND SEE SHE DOESNT TAKE MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIPS SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE A GAME!!!!! AND IT HURTS KNOWING YOU WERE WILLING TO HURT ME FOR INSTANT GRATIFICATION, WHEN YOU ARE ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO TELLS ME HE ALLLLWAYS LOOKS INTO THE FUTURE WITH EVERYTHING HE DOES!!! WHAT WE HAVE IS PURE AND REAL AND BASED ON ALLLL GOOD INTENTIONS YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU AND RESPECT YOU WITH EVERY INCH OF MY BODY AND WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE PROTECTING YOU AND MAKING SURE YOU ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!! I WANNA FEEL THE SAME AGAIN. :-( I LOOOOVED AND DESIRED FEELING SOO SPECIAL....

But, im too much of a lady to talk like that. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

And know i say all this because I love you. Its not to be mean. Its important to me that you always try to be the best version of you. :-) You are a role model to 2 little girls(and are doing an incredible job at being one), who are gonna grow up and be women 1 day. Set the precedent for how a man should always act with women, and they are more likely to have successful relationships.

We're gonna blame it on the caffeine.

2010-02-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

As of yesterday morning, I havent had any caffeine. I never knew how bad my caffeine addiction was. I expected headaches, but aside from that, I seem to be getting EVERY side effect. Here is what I read online:

"Often, people who are reducing caffeine intake report being irritable, unable to work, nervous, restless, and feeling sleepy, as well as having a headache. In extreme cases, nausea and vomiting has also been reported."

I have all. I cant even focus when Im driving. My stomach is in knots. Ive been throwing up. My hands are shaking, my teeth are chattering. Im sleeping horribly. I cry atleast once an hour. Sometimes for no reason, other times for valid reasons. I just flat out feel like crap and not myself at all.

Every chance I get, I go away to a quiet room, close my eyes, and do my best to just clear my mind and concentrate on my breathing. Sometimes it helps.

And this is only the start of day 2.....I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I should write a relationship book for men.

2010-02-22T07:01:00.000-08:00

I think Ive always known this, but today has made it clear.

When women recieve something, anything, they appreciate it for all it is. They treasure it. They nurture it. They always remind themselves how grateful they are for it.

When a man recieves the same gift, they briefly appreciate it. But then start to wonder, if this is so great, maybe there is something better? Let me just put this on the shelf, try out the newer model, and if I dont like it better, then I'll just go get the *original* (which is always best) off the shelf.

The marriage rate in this country would be so different if we didnt cut and run when things seemed a little hard. What lesson have we learned there?? That people are *disposable*. Im sad to live in a cold world where we think that way.

Also there is a huge lack of communication. People stop talking. They dont confront their problems. The simplest phrases go a loooong way... How was your day?... Can I do anything to make it better?... You are very special... I am proud of you(men, if you wanna make your woman the happiest person on earth, that should be my #1 piece of advice! show the world how proud you are she is in your life. acknowlegde her for who/what she is to you!!! be proud to let the world know she is yours)... I love you...Remind yourself EVERY DAY why you love that person. It only takes a minute. What makes them stand out over everyone else... How grateful you are they chose to love YOU over the billion other people on this planet. Thank them for that... Tell them you appreciate the simple things they do... Do not get caught up in the stress of your work life and let it *snowball* into causing stress in other areas of your life. My advice would be to make a conscious effort to do the OPPOSITE. Walk in the door at 5pm thankful for that person who wants!!!! to be the 1 who will just listen to you, always making sure you get everything off your chest, so you can breathe. Take comfort in knowing no matter how hard it gets, they will always be your rock. Everyone needs that, so dont push them away when you need them most!... Never judge when listening to them. They are not looking for you to solve their problems. Just to understand them and listen!... NURTURE NURTURE NURTURE!!... Believe in them. Believe in them when they succeed. Believe in them more when they fail...`Know that the devil is very real. And she always shows up at a weak point(thats not coincidence). This is when you prove who you really are, and the person you aspire to be...Love them because they make you want to better yourself...Treasure them for taking the good with the bad...Make them proud of you...Make them always feel confident...Dont take love for granted!!!...

When youve done all this, now think how great you feel inside. Doesnt your heart swell with raw emotion?? Who doesnt want that every day???!!!

I know this sounds like alot of work. But when done from the heart, it is so simple. And the rewards last a lifetime. It makes every hurdle easier to overcome. It makes you want to reach your dreams more intensely. Their love will always be the same NO MATTER WHAT!!!

Sooo, in conclusion: love, appreciate, nurture, be pure in your heart, treasure, believe, listen, dream together, and most importantly, stop treating people like they are disposable. You dont always get a second chance.

Dear Rob,

2010-02-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

It's been 20 months since our last conversation, and about 17 months since Ive last tried to contact you. Sometimes I feel this sense of guilt for maybe not trying hard enough to talk to you. But then, you knew I was trying to get in touch with you, and you knew why, and you still chose to ignore me. I was extremely sick throughout the pregnancy, so I had to make the choice to just take care of myself and the baby and not worry about you.

When I think about writing you, I never know the correct way to talk about her. What should I call her? I do not see her as your daughter. I do not see you as her father. She just happens to have half of your DNA.

So where do I begin??

I had a very tough pregnancy. I had to be hospitalized many times. They never figured out why, but I kept passing out. Even when I was driving, I would lose my vision, pull over immediately, allow myself to pass out, wake up, and then continue on as if nothing happened. I didnt have a choice. I had no help or support. My life still had to go on, raising 4 kids and maintaining a home, no matter how sick I got.

On February 10th, I gave birth to the most beautiful little girl. I named her Zoelie, meaning 'life'. And thats what she was to me, a start of a new better life. The change and the amout of calmness in me since the second she was born is something I cant explain. And it reflects in her. She has been the happiest, most content baby since the second she was born.

We breastfed, co-sleep, practice attachment parenting, baby-wearing and baby led weaning. All leading to the most healthy, trusting, well adjusted child Ive ever seen. She has never been to a doctor and has never even had a cold.

Financially it has been a struggle since day 1. Luckily, I saved a small amount from when I was working, and every penny of that has gone to her. It is now almost gone and Im going to have to return to work to continue supporting her. Her needs are always met though, and she never goes without. Most importantly she is spoiled with love and has stability.

I dont know why I am writing you now. So much time has passed. Maybe its because I am finally over being angry with you for leaving when I needed you most. Or maybe its because I have soo much pride in her and just would like you to know what an incredible little girl you have out there. She is so beautiful, with her milky white skin, grey/blue eyes, and golden blond hair. Right now as I am writing you, she is peeking over my computer screen, smiling while she is pretending to wink at me. She is so smart for her age. She immediately picks up everything I teach her. Out of all the toys in the house, she prefers her picture books over her dolls. I hope thats a sign Im raising a little genius.

I would also like you to know I take full blame for getting pregnant. While we were always careful, I shouldve researched the effects of mixing medications. Which is why I will always take full responsibility for raising her. I know you werent ready for kids and still arent, or you would have contacted me. All I am asking of you is to be open in the future. The day is going to come where she is going to ask questions, and maybe even come search for you. I am always going to be open and honest with her. And I hope I can expect the same from you.

You will always hold a special place in my heart for giving me such an incredible gift.

Amy and Zoe <3

Girl NOT on top.

2010-01-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

Sooo, I am in an incredible relationship. Which involves having sex. (YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!)

I can end this blog here. Nuff said. Im happy just to be reporting that. LOL.

BUT!!

I am with a man who analyzes every little thing. Then that forces me to over-analyze myself. GRRRRRRrrrrrrrr.

After we had sex on saturday, he noticed I can orgasm while on top, if I allow myself to. I have a problem where I will not allow myself to orgasm during sex. Whatever position I am in. Ever. So, then it gets into the discussion that Ive been avoiding being on top just because I dont want to orgasm.

Here I am, now 4 days later. 4 days of psycho-analyzing myself. (Emphasis should be put on psycho) Here is the conclusion:

I am a very submissive woman sexually. On top is wayyy too dominant of a position for me. So, when Im asking not to be on top, its NOT because I dont want to orgasm with this man. Its because when you are having sex, you should be comfortable, and no matter how good sex feels while Im on top, Im TOTALLY uncomfortable, and stop 'mentally' enjoying the sex. It takes me wayyyy out of my comfort zone. To put it bluntly, I am miserable while on top...I guess it can be like asking a man to try allowing me to use a toy up his butt. There is a chance he really might enjoy the feeling of this, BUT he is not comfortable with the situation....I DONT CARE HOW GOOD IT FEELS, I just dont like being in that position. I do not want my eyes to be above his. I want them to be equal or below.

The problem that really should be addressed is how to allow myself to orgasm during sex, no matter what position I am in. I need to be able to give up ALL control. I need to learn how to be a vulnerable person. And this incredible man, who I love with all my heart, needs to realize its not something I am doing on purpose.

My legacy.

2010-01-04T06:54:00.000-08:00

I used to be very close to my neighbor. She is a very strong Greek woman who I respected for years after I moved to Wayne. Our families did things together. Had dinner together regularly. Our only difference was our parenting styles and that would prove to break our friendship.

She is what you would call a 'helicopter parent'. She needs to be on top of her children every second of the day. She only has 2 boys, ages 19 and 13. At 13 yrs old, her son is not allowed to hang out with friends, unless she arranges an in-home 'playdate' with the other kids mother. If it doesnt involve church or soccer, he has to be home. He barely looks up. And its hard for me to be around him. When he is in my car, I feel like I cannot breathe because of the vibe he gives off. She is raising a future serial killer. I also always found it odd how she introduced her kids to people. "This is my son Emanuel. He got a scholarship to George Washington University. He is going to be a lawyer. This is my other son Yanni, who we hope follows in his big brothers footsteps." And before they were even out of diapers, they were not allowed out of the house without wearing $1000's of dollars in designer clothes and they could not get dirty. A $500 belt for a 9yr old? Just to go to school in? Come on, who you trying to impress?? These boys are scrutinized every second of the day. I always look at them and feel like they cant breathe!

Then there is me. Raising the 5 of them in an exact opposite way. And she would watch and constantly critisize me. My goal, when my kids leave this house and are forced to become adults, is that they can look back and say they truly enjoyed their childhood and were allowed to be kids! I love that they love life. They are free to make mistakes. They love to get dirty. They love to explore their world, even if its only within where they can ride their bike to. They love hanging with their friends. Going to teen night clubs. Fishing, quadding, going to the beach, sledding, Great Adventure, zoos, etc. There is nothing they will not do or atleast try once. I prefer to be a guide to them and not a dictator. I do not want 5 mini-me's. I prefer to have 5 individuals who are free thinkers and can make decisions for themselves. I am not saying I have perfect kids, because I dont. I am saying that I cannot be more proud of the fact I have genuinely happy kids.

I never want to define my success as a parent by their future earning potential. (UGhhh, I need to even get over the fact that some of them may not even go to college!) It will be defined by their curiosity and love for life continuing throughout their adulthood. No matter what they decide to become.

Selfish Me.

2009-12-29T16:04:00.000-08:00

I want to always make you smile.

I want to have every thought of me be positive.

I want to make sure you always feel secure.

I want to be the one who believes in everything you do.

I want to heal your pain.

I want to protect your heart.

I want to know you feel open enough to be yourself.

I want to give myself to you.

I want to make you happy.

I want to create incredible memories with you.

I want to always appreciate the little things you do. (they count the most)

I want to belong to you.

I want to rest my head on your chest and just lay there listening to you breathe.

I want to be the cure for everything bad in your life.

I want to be the star in all your dreams.

I want to spend hours studying your adorable face.

I want to follow your lead.

I want to grab you, hold you, and never let go.

I want to kiss your lips forever.

I want to learn all your likes and dislikes.

I want to desire you, and ONLY you.

I want to please you.

I want to be open with you and tell you how I feel.

I want to play this game forever.

I want to remind you daily how special you are.

I want to look you in your eyes while you are inside of me and tell you that I am
truly
madly
deeply
in love
with you.

Every single inch of you. Inside and out.

Random pics

2009-12-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

My gay cowboy

Chris- 9th grade

I dont like her, whoever she is.

Bell in NYC

The Reason I Had Kids.

2009-12-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

I am desperately trying to get Gabe put back into the 8th grade, where he is supposed to be. Im working with the child study team, his teachers, and even put him on medication for his ADD. Today, we had the required physical from his doctor. Why the school needs a physical, I have no idea. But, like every other day of my life, even this is an adventure.

I let him go in the room alone, since he is older and Im sure he doesnt want his mom watching him get checked. About ten minutes later, they call me to come into the exam room for the questionairre part of the exam. The doctor says, "oops! I forgot to check for a hernia. Mom, close your eyes and I'll do it real quick." Gabe stands in front of him and the doctor tells him to drop his pants. He drops his pants, but leaves his boxers on. The doctor tells him to drop the boxers too. He says no. I try to convince him. He is persistant this is not happening. The doctor leaves and gives me a few minutes to convince Gabe. Before the door even closes, Gabe screams, "Im not letting some queerbag play with my nuts!!". I cannot get Gabe to let the doctor examine him. The doctor walks in and I tell him this. He proceeds to say, "I dont know you well enough to tell you how to parent your kid, but I can have some nurses come in to hold him down so we can get this done." And now with this condiscending look in his face as he stares at me, I start to get pissed. "Like hell you are holding down my child just to grab his sack. We are leaving this office, and IF he wants this done to him, I will make another appointment. Thank you, and goodbye."

We leave to get Chris for his practice, and Im thinking he will help me and be the voice of reason to Gabe. Driving in the car, I ask Chris to tell Gabe how easy this exam is. Chris says, "Listen, he's just gonna grab ur balls, tell you to cough, then he'll wink at you and ask you for your number."

And at that moment Im thinking this is the reason I had kids. Holy krap I was crying from laughing so hard. I cant remember the last time I laughed so hard. They are definately my kids.

Family outting

2009-12-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

I know I am going to forget this someday, so Im gonna get this down in writing. Its been 19 years since this awful day. But I still get a huge knot in my stomach every time I think of it.

My most embarassing moment:
I was 12 years old and I was at our beachhouse with my family. When my dad would come down to visit us on the weekends, we would always go to the waterpark.
This was my 1st summer with pubic hair. And having thick dark hair on my head, my crotch looked identical.

Soo, we went to the waterpark, and I was in a very small white bikini. For some reason, noone would hang out with me that day. My dad would always stay with me at this park.

My mom pulls me aside, and I could tell how embarrassed she was. She goes, "Aim, you are supposed to shave all that hair that sticks outside of your bikini!!" I walked around forever that day with a full 80's bush sticking out of my little bikini.

I am cringing and blushing right now thinking about this. Holy krap, it is still embarassing! LOL

Falling

2009-12-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

When I meet someone new, some things come naturally. If I feel a connection, it is very easy for me to be open and honest. But I also like to be patient and let this new relationship, whether it be a friendship or more, find its own place. I am always cautiously optimistic.

So, I find myself in a new relationship. There is a strong connection. My mind spends wayyy too much time focused on this person. I would be driving, and start playing movies in my head fantasizing about the 1st kiss. I would lay in bed at night imagining the 1st time we made love. I get such a girly mushy feeling from something as simple as a text message. What is wrong with me?? This is not me!!

Somewhere in this short period of time, I realized that I wanted him to be my 1st everything since Zoe. I am so proud of myself for waiting 18 months to give myself to someone who is worth this gift. And it feels so warm and fuzzy inside knowing I was worth his. There are very few times in my life that i can say that reality was better than fantasy. But my god it felt
incredible.
Every kiss, every soft touch, the electricity I felt down my spine every time he was inside of me...And I wouldnt be me, without a mentioning of the package. I was soo nervous going into this, because Im used to having the specifics ahead of time. I was beyond pleasantly surprised. It was absolutley perfect(hehe), in length, width, and softness. He would be extremely sore if we saw each other on a daily basis, because my mouth would be permanently attached to him.

The part that surprised me most about the night...having such a sense of trust in him that I let him be inside me without a condom. I know I said to him that Ive only let 4 other people besides him do that, but when I sat and thought about it this morning, Im not sure that is correct. 1.Chino 2.Scott 3.Rob 4.???. I cannot think of who #4 is. But those 3 were very serious relationships. Having been with approximately 50 men in my life, and only allowing 4 men to be inside me unprotected, I am very proud of that. But scared I was so comfortable letting him do that. What I am sure of now is, I need to get on birth control asap. I dont want to add any conflict or stress to this pretty perfect situation. And I would like to make sure he knows that during this time, if he has unprotected sex with anyone else, then I will demand condoms being used with me from now on. I would also like him to know during this time, he will be the only man I am going to be intimate with. These are normally all things talked about before, but I never got the chance to.

It wouldnt be me to get this far into a blog without addressing the negative and what I need to make a conscious effort to improve on. My fear. Im afraid to let him into my heart. Im afraid to be hurt again. So, there is a wall up to an extent. I hate that. Its not necessary. I know who I am. And whomever is in my life, friend or more, will always feel secure with 1 thing: I will never never ever hurt you in any way. Its not in me to ever judge you, point out your flaws, or put you down. I am only here to bring pleasure to you(body, mind, and soul), respect you, believe in you, and love you for who you are. I really want to believe there is a man out there capable of offering me the same thing.

P.S. I know it is going to be a while before I let myself verbalize to my new friend how special a human being I feel he is, and how much I like him already. But for now, I do hope he FEELS it from me. Lets hope actions really are speaking louder than words.

This is not how it was meant to be.

2009-12-08T18:10:00.000-08:00

My marriage was a disaster, no secret there. But during the divorce process, all I would think about was getting my second chance to do it right. I was still young at 27 years old. And I was sure of 1 thing. I would never "settle". I knew all the qualities he had to have.

Im not talking 'qualities' as in: dark hair, blue eyes, 6'4", 250 lbs. (although that would be nice) I mean gentle, patient, protective, respectful, old-fashion values, loved being around family, etc. I cannot believe almost 5 years later, I havent found anyone remotely close to this.

Now, the meaning of my title. This is not how it was supposed to be. I wasnt supposed to go through pregnancy and raising a baby alone this time around. I was supposed to have someone to go to central park with!

Yes, that sounds weird, but I always fantasized about my next kid. The one I have with the husband who loves me. And 100% of the fantasies take place in central park. In some we are walking through the zoo with him holding our baby, doting on her as he shows her the animals. In others we are all having a family picnic on the lawn. For some reason, Im always dressed like Donna Reed in my head.

I would never ever take back whats already done, Zoe is an angel, and I am honestly a better person because of her. But that will never take the guilt I feel everyday that I cant deliver these dreams to her. And I am already bracing myself for the pain she is going to feel when she 1st thinks that her own dad didnt care enough about her to be a part of her life. I love her enough for the both of us, and no matter how much I make sure she feels this love, she will forever wonder why.

Rainbow World

2009-12-08T17:38:00.000-08:00

Once upon the time there was an abnormal girl born to normal parents. She was different from birth. Born on Friday the 13th at midnight exactly, in October. For everyone familiar with the movie "Friday the 13th", this is when they say Jason was born. Her father made a joke that he was cursed the second she was born.

She was not a shy child, but very quiet and observant. She saw people differently. For every person she looked at, she saw a color around them. She was capable of seeing everyones aura. Sounds like a gift, but it is a curse. You would think she was walking around in this rainbow world, when in fact she knew the reality that most of the world was a sea of black and grey.

As she got older, being in crowds became a problem. Something else started occuring. As she walked past strangers, she could tell how they felt, and at times, their emotion would overcome her body. Her parents said she was too sensitive, when in fact, she was 'a sensitive'.

It is an odd feeling when you can look at a person and immediately know who they are and if you's will get along. Its hard knowing that most of the world does not live their lives with good intentions. It is hard feeling different from the rest of the world.

Gratitude

2009-12-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

I am grateful for:

Zoe
Bella
Jordan
Gabe
Chrissy
and the fact I was chosen to be part of their journey.
my twins I didnt get to meet in this life, but will in my next.

Pony&Johnny
Diamond, Corky, Mogwai, Frankie(RIP my babies)

Donna

Mark

my health.
a roof over my head and food in the fridge.

the way my mother-in-law cooks with love.

people who still take the time to raise their kids!
people that dont want to be just 'content' with their life.
people willing to break the rules.
people who dont equate their self-worth with the amount of money they have in the bank.

uniqueness.
generosity.
patience.
compassion.
open minds.
open hearts.

a never ending supply of great books to read.
comfy pajamas.
cheese puffs.
empanadas.
Criminal Minds.

rainbows.
thunderstorms.
the smell in the air when the sun comes out after a rainstorm.

beaches and forests.
having a place to escape reality, if only for a few hours.

hugs n kisses for no reason.
smiles that melt my heart.
nibbles that make me tingle.

FLIP FLOPS!

people who inspire me.
a new person in my life who inspired me to write this list. <3

(to be continued...)

To educate yourself for the feeling of gratitude means to take nothing for granted, but to always seek out and value the kind that will stand behind the action. Nothing that is done for you is a matter of course. Everything originates in a will for the good, which is directed at you. Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude.- Albert Schweitzer

Work In Progress

2009-12-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

How do you teach something that you dont have any concept of? Is it luck that I have confident children?? I can't believe it is something I instilled in them. I have none.

Well, after a half hour of thinking over what I just wrote, I cant say I have none. I have great confidence in my mothering. I know that I've always done what I think is best for them. Their complete trust in me gives me this confidence.

A few weeks ago I took Zoe to get her 1st Halloween pictures. I wanted a few of her standing, so she held my hand as the photographer snapped away. I went back to look at all the pics so I can buy a bunch. I bought all pics except the ones where I was helping her stand. The way my hand and about 3 inches of my forearm looked disgusted me. Even while writing this, Im thinking 'holy hell, amy, u r insane.'

Yesterday I got ready for the 1st time in months, albeit half-assed, but ready none-the-less. While getting ready, I realized I do everything to avoid looking in a mirror. Until yesterday, I can't remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror, aside from my rear-view while driving. When I look at myself, I see an ugly, obese person. I cant pick 1 physical thing I like about myself.

In my marriage, I was made fun of daily. Cheated on right in front of my face because he said I wasnt good enough for him and he deserved better. I would get yelled at for smiling because he said there was nothing about me worth smiling about. Hearing this everyday for over a decade, you're going to start believing it. Living it. And I guess exuding this insecurity.

I have extreme confidence in who I am inside. I gained that back the day I said the words "I am divorcing you". Why didnt the confidence in my outer appearance come back that day too? Hell, its been 5 years and I feel no different about my appearance than I did while married.

Coitophobia

2009-12-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

Coitophobia: An abnormal and persistent fear of male-female sexual intercourse.

Like everyone else with no medical insurance, I have become my own doctor. Every ache and pain, I diagnose and treat myself through online research.

Ive now gone 18 months without sex. I desire it. I fantasize about it. I have people offering it. But for some reason, I cant bring myself to do it! So, I started trying to figure out why. Coitophobia is what Ive come up with. I have developed a fear of having sex. I am sooo afraid to give someone "all of me".

Then when I think further about it, Ive always found it easy to have sex with men whom I have no emotional attachment to. Many times without even knowing his name. Im sitting here trying to think back about all sexual encounters, and Im pretty sure Ive never made love. Im actually positive I havent. It has always been sex just tto get off, or just very rough sex. I dont know why. I have my theories. The research says it is usually due to abuse or molestation.

I was molested when I was 12. I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom took me for my school physical and I wouldnt let her come into the room with me. When Dr. DeMaria came in, he asked the nurse to leave. He turned off the light over me, but left the light on over the sink area. He said the exam would go faster if I would take my gown off and just lie there naked. "You are the most beautiful girl Ive ever had in here, and soo developed for your age." Those words make me shiver. As I laid there, he felt me up and down. He asked me if I was scared. To make that fear go away, I should put my hand on top of his. And with my hand on his, he kept rubbing and squeezing my breasts. He grabbed my hand and told me to spread my legs. He took my finger with his and put it in me and started rubbing. "Thats your hymen. Having that still there means you are a good girl." He took our wet fingers and dragged them along my stomach, and then inserted them in me again. He licked his fingers and said I taste fresh. He kissed my fingertips and thanked me for being a good girl.

Yes, that was bad an all, but would that 10 minutes out of my life affect my sex life forever? Is that the reason I prefer to be 'used' over making love? It seems crazy to me.

But thats always how it has been. Knowing it is the opposite of what I want. I fantasize about making love. Holding hands. Feeling protected. I have never felt protected by a man.

I know New Years is a month away. But my resolution for the new year is to not only let my guard down to find love, but when I find it, allow myself to enjoy a more natural form of intimacy.

Bella's Poem

2009-11-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

My 10 year old changes her mind pretty regularly on what she wants to be when she grows up. At 1st she wanted to be a nurse, then I said doctors make more money, so for a long time she was going to be a doctor. Then she took on my love for crime/drama shows. She decided she was going to be a forensic scientist. And seeing as how she is quite gifted in school, she can do any of these with ease.

Recently her career goals changed once again. She is going to be a poet/artist. This is her 1st attempt at poetry:

Love
Love is giving a shoulder to cry on
Love is keeping a friendship a strong bond
Love is helping a friend outOr giving a dog or cat a home
Making someone laugh when they are sad
Pointing the good things out, not the bad
Even the simple things you do everyday,
Is filled with love in every way. ♥

Not bad! Infact, quite good.

Some quick pics

2009-11-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

The cutest 8 month old on the planet:

Halloween

Zoe's 1st time away from me

My tax-dollars hard at work

2009-11-10T05:58:00.000-08:00

I live in such a nice area. The town is considered upper/middle-upper class. Every morning I pass deer, turkey vultures, and now that fall is coming, I get to see the changing of the leaves in a million colors every morning.

But lately my town is losing its beauty. It is turning so negative here. And to top it off, a few streets away, there have been several break-ins in the past few weeks. I am scared. If a robber was to pick a house, I would be a prime target: nice house, nice car, single mom who NEVER has men in the house, and dogs that are the size of small rats. Ive been sleeping horribly, with a can of mace and a knife between my mattresses, sticking out a little so I wont have to look for them in an emergency.

Its Friday night, and Im having my typical crazy fun night(lol). Its 10:30pm and Im in my pj's about to pass out while Zoe and Bella are in bed next to me already fast asleep. I hear movement in my yard. So naturally, I start freaking out. Then, ohmygod I hear mens voices. Im shaking like crazy and doing my best to peak out the window without moving the curtains at all. I see a cop car with the lights off parked in my driveway. They must be getting the bad guys that were about to rob me! Just then somene starts BANGING on my door. I peak through the window again. There is a sea of cops on my porch!!

OK, well not really a sea, but there were 4 cops- 2 were in uniform and 2 were detectives wearing bullet proof vests and all. I open the door. 1 says "Are you Amy Moran?" I say yes. He proceeds to say something every mom dreads, " Are you the mom of Gabriel Moran??". Oh, the thoughts that wentthrough my head in that split second. Is he ok? Did he get hurt?? Ugghhh, what did he do now, and how much is this going to cost me???!! They ask to come in. "Mam, we are concerned about your son. Is he depressed? Acting strange?? Do you have any reason to believe your son might commit suicide?? I dont even know what to say to these questions. I tell them these questions are absurd! Where is all this coming from? Gabe is 1 of the happiest kids I know. The officer pulls out some print-outs from his pocket. He proceeds to say that they recieved an anonymous call from a concerned friend of Gabes and this childs mom. They were on his facebook and had some concerns from what he is writing, and it led them to believe that he might hurt himself. Now Im beyond lost. Im on Gabes facebook. I check it regularly, and Ive never read anything that would concern me. He hands me the paper and tells me to read it.

I cannot tell you how upset I get at this time. I look at them. "Are you all kidding me?? Playing some sort of joke?? You scared me because of THIS?? These are F'IN lyrics from Biggie! My son is obsessed with his music right now! Do you all not notice its all pretty much in RYHME!

They all pass the papers around and read it over. 1 goes,"well, it does kinda sound like a rap."....Kinda??? For some reason they feel the need to ask me again if I had any concerns about my son. I tell them my son is fine and ask them to please leave my house.

I may be crazy, but I bet there would be less break-ins if there were more cops patrolling the streets instead of sending the whole force over to my house to discuss my sons facebook page.

Are they ever gonna grow up???!!

2009-10-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

I needed to go to the craft store this evening for Halloween decorations. Sounds easy enough, right?? We get out of the car. Zoe gets strapped into the cart. The other 4 kids trailing behind me. Chris(oldest@15 yrs) picks up a shopping cart over his head while making these crazy loud noises, then slams it down. The other ones cheer him on. We enter the store. Chris starts telling me how he thinks Jordan(12 yrs) is a "flaming homosexual". Gabe(13yrs) and Bella(10 yrs) find this HILARIOUS. I tell him that hes not to repeat that again. Jordan gets upset and kicks Chris in his "bad knee". Next thing I know, Jordan is on the floor crying, Chris wont look me in the face, so the evil eye I was giving him was being totally wasted, and everyone in the store was looking at us like we were insane. I walk away to breathe, but find myself getting more upset because I was having flashbacks of the memories of trying to take out 4 toddlers by myself when they were younger. I dont know how I made it out alive. ..They all find their way back to me. Everyone s quiet because they know I am mad. Chris keeps repeating to Jordan that he better sleep with 1 eye open. I give him his last warning.

These occasions are rare, but seriously, does it ever end? You'd figure they are all past the age that they need to act sooo immature. All is forgotten between them before we walked into the house, but Im still feeling the stress hours later. I need to find an outlet to get rid of this stress. But for tonight, it's going to be half a unisom, so I can get some sleep.

Busy busy busy

2009-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I dont have time to breathe. Totally expected when you are a mom of 5. I cant believe Zoe is already 8 months! She is soo smart for her age. She's been doing "no no no" for a few weeks. Starting to recognize who's who by name. And she is standing! Every time I look at her, I feel a little sorry for her dad. He will never know what he is missing out on.

As for my birthday, it was as horrible as always. I have the birthday curse. Gabe got me flowers though, which were beautiful. I guess I'm doing something right with them?? My parents didnt even send a card. I dont know why I always expect them to. I set myself up to be let down.

Last Saturday, there was a knock at the door. I received papers for foreclosure. My lovely ex has taken 4g a month from me to pay the mortgage, but hasnt been paying. Now he is fumbling last minute to do everything he can to save the house. I wanna move to a smaller house, but I want to take my time about it. I know this house is too much work for me. A 19 room house and 5 kids and being a single mom with no help here is not a good combo.

Gabe started his ADHD meds. Thank god. He's been driving me insane. The constant need to pick on Bella and his inability to focus was getting him into a lot of trouble. He is the reason for all my gray hair.

Saturday I finally made the decision to get back in shape! with the help of meds. I dont know why I cannot lose weight without them! It drives me insane. But I am so unhappy with how I look, and its keeping me from getting out there and dating again. I am going to try and keep track in here of how I am doing with this diet. The pills make me feel like I am on crack, but on the flip-side, my house will be sooo clean from the crazy energy I have.

ughhhhhhhhhhh. deep breaths..........................

My birthday is coming up

2009-10-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

In 11 days I will be 31(ughhhhh). And every year I try so hard to get excited about my birthday. But I can't. And like everything else that is wrong with me, this too is my ex husbands fault.

We were together from the time I was 14, up until our divorce when I was 27. We didn't ever celebrate my birthday. In fact, we werent even allowed to talk about it coming up. When we were on good terms, I would ask if we could do a cake, but I would always get the same response. "Why would anyone celebrate the day you were born??". "It should be a day of mourning for the world."

So, my mindset to this day is that it isnt important enough to celebrate. Every year I swear to myself I am going to change that and do something big for myself. It has never happened. I'm still up in the air about what Im going to do this year. A nice dinner out where I didnt have to pay for everyone would be nice...Who am I kidding though, I'd still insist on paying for myself.

Vote for Zoe!!!!

2009-09-30T13:35:00.001-07:00

I entered my daughter in the big gap casting call...along with millions of other moms. Hey, it's worth a shot. Someone's gotta win, right? If you happen to find this page, please vote for her everyday! you are allowed 1 vote per day. http://family.go.com/gapcastingcall/entries/zoeliesmom/480188043/#vote/480188043

Homecoming

2009-09-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

There is 1 MAJOR part that I left out in my birth story. I don't even know how I forgot to add this, as it was probably 1 of the most empowering moments of my life...As soon as Zoelie came out, and she was placed on my chest, my doctor handed me the scissors to cut the cord. I didnt ask for him to do that ahead of time, and quite honestly never even gave the cord cutting a thought during my whole pregnancy. But I am so glad that my doctor did. It was the perfect ending to her time inside of me. And I had such a feeling of accomplishment. I really did this all by myself. I CAN do this all by myself.

Anywayyy, about 24 hours after she was born, my kids wanted me to come home. They sounded like they were going insane at their fathers. So, when the nurse came in, I told her I wanted to go home. They advised staying another night, but I felt fine. So, she started my paperwork, and also told me I wasnt allowed to drive myself home...I had to find someone to sneak me out of there...My sister came during her lunch break and pretended to drive me and the baby home. She drove the car around the corner, then got into her car, I jumped into the driver side of my car, and we went our seperate ways. I stopped at the food store to pick up some food to cook for dinner, then picked up my kids from school. We all went home, they got to meet their new baby sister, I cooked dinner, we all watched some TV, then went to bed. In hindsight, it now seems crazy how adding Zoelie to our lives just seemed like a natural progression. Almost like she was always there.

It remained that way for a long time. We just immediately adapted to her. She made it very easy. Aside from being the cutest baby ever, she never cried!

And then there were those moments that were so bittersweet. I would sit there and stare at her and just think of how sorry I felt for her 'dad'. He made such a huge mistake. How can anyone not want to be a father to such an angel??

I also worried about Zoelie. What kind of questions is she going to ask me in the future? How is she going to feel about her dad never wanting a part in her life? Is she going to feel like she isnt't worth a mans love? Will she feel left out in school when everyone is making Father's Day gifts for their dads??

One thing I did know is that it will be very easy to love her enough for the both of us. She will be lacking nothing. She has consistent male role-models in her big brothers. And I know Ive said this before but I have given birth to an angel. See:

Happy Birthday

2009-09-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

On Febraury 9, 2009, I went to my 38 week appointment fully prepared to BEG my doctor to take the baby out that day!!! I was done cooking this baby. He put the ultrasound wand on my belly and asked the question that every mom dreads..."have you been feeling this baby move at all??!!"...!!!!!!!!!!!!!......The movements have slowed, but were still there. Which is normal that late in pregnancy. But in my case, I had an extreme drop in my fluid so I had to go to the hospital ASAP to be induced. I havent even packed my bag. The kids are in school. Oh my god I am not ready for this!!! I call my ex to tell him that I am going to the hospital to have the baby and he needs to get the kids from school. His response, "Ummm, You cant have your baby today. Today doesnt work for me. I have a 5 o'clock appointment and cant get Chris to his game. Wait til tomorrow." (he never fails to constantly remind me of why I divorced his controlling @$$!) I simply told him that it isnt a choice. He needs to take care of his kids and I will call them later to say goodnite.

I drove myself to the hospital around 4pm. They werent ready for me so I had to go to the cafe, get a bite to eat, then come back up and have a baby!!! I get to my room, was only dilated to a 2 and was not in labor at all. Which means I will need pitocin. Then the nurse tells me the worst news ever. At this hospital, once you are hooked up to pitocin, you are strapped to the bed and not allowed to walk around to labor. I already have long, horrible labors. This is going to add hours on to the torture!

Anyway, nothing I can do to change that, so I settle in and put on Nickelodeon. I figured hearing cartoons in the background would make it feel like home. Durind a marathon of Fairly Oddparents hard labor kicked in. UGHHHH. It was horrible. I begged for drugs. Luckily I had an incredible nurse who knew not to give in and give them to me. I dilated soooo slowly, even though the contractions were right on top of each other, less than 30 second rest in between, and they were measuring off the charts. I kept my eyes closed for hours and just tried to breathe thru them.

A little over 12 hours from the start of the home stretch of my 40 week journey, it was finally time to push. 6:47am the nurse has me do a practice push. This is my 5th kid, I'm a pro! So she calls my doctor in. He asks me to push. I push and dont stop when they count to 10. I push so hard that her head starts to come out on the 1st push! The doctor wasnt expecting that, so he wasnt prepared. So, he told me to stop pushing and just breathe. That part of labor is called the ring of fire". There is no pain worse than the head crowning, and he wants to leave me like that while he gets dressed and ready???!!! That pain was indescribable. He gets back and I finish my push, and she was out! She screams and I finally open my eyes and I get to see her. The funny thing is, the 1st thing out of my mouth wasnt "I love you" like you would think. I said "oh my god, she is blonde!".

Welcome to the world Zoelie Elianna. Your name has a special meaning. It means the light in my life. And that is exactly what you are.

She was perfect. 7 lbs, 7 ozs, 19 inches at 6:52am. I was in awe of her beauty. I held her, fed her, and was just madly in love. We got wheeled to our room and took our 1st nap together. I held her as we ate breakfast. We napped again. I held her during lunch. I then finally called my sister to let her know I went to the hospital to have the baby, and she was finally here. She was shocked, and I guess a little mad I didnt call her to tell her I was going to have the baby. She wound up stopping by after dinner. My only visitor. By 8pm, we go to bed for tonight. Tomorrow morning we leave and start our life together. I cannot wait.

I knew I loved you before I met you....

2009-09-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Create Your Own

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger

2009-09-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

One day me and Gabe went shoe shopping. I was about 4 months pregnant. We were at the mall, and I was feeling very odd that day. While in Foot Locker, I was feeling lightheaded and just sat down while he browsed. If he changed the area of the store he was in, I just moved to the nearest bench. Then we were getting ready to pay. I was walking there and out of nowhere, I lost my hearing. Then my body starting spitting out this cold sweat. Next thing I know I fall into a shelf of socks, then I'm out like a light.

I wake up to 3 large black men standing over me. They helped me up and onto a chair. I was beyond embarrassed. Gabe,who was 12 at the time, looks at me and says,"Why didnt you tell me you were gonna do that??!!" In all his lifetime, Im sure that is THE most stupid question he will ever ask. I pay for his shoes(and use this opportunity to get a discount on the shoes), and run out of there. The second I get into my car, I have a complete meltdown. Compose myself. Then give my doctor a call.

By 8p.m. that evening, I was checked into the hospital. My doctor was there running every imaginable test. I was there for 3 days. No visitors. No phonecalls. And the hospital couldnt find anything wrong with me. I wound up checking myself out because I was going crazy in there.

They put me on bedrest. How can I possibly be on bedrest?? Im a single mom with 4 older kids! they need to get to and from school. They need me to cook and clean. They need me to get them to their games. So, I went against their advice and just modified it so it wouldnt disrupt my kids lives too much.

The fainting became worse. It was a long process. Sometimes it would be an hour from the onset of symptons until I actually passed out. I spent alot of time parked on the side of the road waiting for an episode to pass. I was hospitalized 2 more times. Both for about 3 days. No visitors. The last time, my sister did call me though.

Words cannot express how horrible it is going thru pregnancy alone. I had noone to go to doctor visits with me. Noone excited about each ultrasound appointment. Noone to feel her kicks or watch her move in my belly. I spent alot of time crying in pain, physical and emotional, and really just wish I had someone to take some of it away.

Alone.

2009-09-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

Over the next few weeks, reality sunk in. I was doing this alone. Not just without a partner, but without the support of family too. Aside from my older childrens games or food shopping, I didnt go out. Got rid of my cell phone. Ignored friends. I lost trust in all people. I just wanted to be left alone to get thru this. Nothing sucks more then when you cant enjoy such an amazing time in your life. I didnt understand what I did wrong. Is the world so de-sensitized that it is easier for us to just kill our baby instead of doing our best to protect and love it? Our whole society is built around taking the easy way out of everything. A family member actually said to me, "You are making yourself 'unmarryable'." Soooo, kill my baby so in the future some guy will deem me wife material?? In whose mind does that make sense? Sorry to disappoint everyone, but my kids are worth more to me than any man who doesnt see my kids in the same light I do, as a blessing.

Men actually asked me out while I was pregnant. I think a few were even very sincere. But I questioned their motives. Did they think I was desperate? Did they have some weird fetish for pregnant women?? And even worse was the thought of it getting intimate. It felt wrong being with a man while I had someone elses child inside me. I made the choice(lol) to be celebate until after she is born.

Looking back now, that was a horrible decision. I shouldve dated. I shouldve been intimate. Sex is a release. And I had no release during my pregnancy. Just every emotion bottled up. Which has now turned into a fear. Im afraid to be touched. Im afraid to let anyone in. Im afraid to be close. I dont want to be hurt. Im a hipocrit. Taking the easy way out by choosing to just be left alone.

Quote....

2009-09-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, you better be ready to receive a ton of sh**.”

Per quanto riguarda la mia famiglia...

2009-09-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

I hate them. And I know hate is a strong word, but it's true. I know I may sound like a brat, but I dont care. I AM THEIR CHILD, not my ex. Speaking as a mother, if I learned my daughter was married to a very abusive man, and this man tried to come into my home, he would be met at the door with me holding a shot gun, NOT invited into my home to hang out. Over and over again.

A week before I found out I was pregnant, I was leaving for Florida for the weekend. It was my ex's weekend with the kids. I was to leave after he picked them up and I would be back home before it was time for him to bring them home Sunday night. I ran to my moms house to say goodbye before I left and I said to her that if my ex calls asking where I am, DO NOT TELL HIM. Because if he finds out I am dating(its been 3 yrs since the divorce at this point!!!) he will deny me child support for the kids. Saturday morning, my ex stops by my moms. Asks if she has seen me. My mom goes "no, she's in Florida."...She just OFFERED up the info that I told her not to!!! So Monday morning, I stop there FURIOUS and was like mommm, I thought I asked you not to tell him?? She replies, " I am not going to lie to him for YOU!" I flipped out and left.

Shes always been like that. Her life is soo lonely and pathetic that she loves to gossip to whomever will listen, even if it involves hurting her kids.

Two weeks later, my ex stops there with that "book", and even after this fight over him, my mom still lets him in her home. And continues to this day. Allllll the time. My parents allow the man who used their daughter as a punching bag for 13 years into their home!!!! Ive been trying to figure that out for a year now. Maybe one day it will make sense. But I doubt it. And until it does, I refuse to allow them into my life. I am better off without them.

Seriously??!! Are we really doing this OVER THE PHONE??

2009-09-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

Between 10 and 12 weeks pregnant, it was very stressful. But I had R.S. (zoes dad) to talk to every day. He was a great support system for me. Awwww and he was sooo cute. He would tell me about how he slowly started telling people about the baby, and they were all so happy for him. It made me feel much better, because I had noone to tell. My ex already made sure everyone knew. Ive had 3 doctor appointments by now, and the baby was thriving. (aside from the probs with my family)Everything was perfect. AAAHHhhhhhh.....Until the evening of July 18th, 2008...

R.S. calls me frantic. He sounded like he was having a panic attack. Then said he needed the weekend to think about his life. I said fine and we will talk on Monday morning.

UGhhhhh. Monday morning. He calls by 11. But it wasnt him that called. I mean, yes it was him, but the words that came out of his mouth didnt sound like they were coming from him. I remember it perfectly. (R.S.)"Listen, Aim. Ive been thinking. Im not financially ready for this baby. Youve gotta get rid of IT." (me)Huhhhhhhhhhh??? You do know Im 3 months pregnant? (R.S.)I know. We can have another baby down the road when I save more money. (me)Oh my god, You are serious here??!! (R.S.) Yes, i am serious! I dont know how else to put it. It's me or the baby. Get rid of it and we can start planning our life, or have it and you will never hear from me again. (me)Oooookayyyy. Well goodbye then.

THE END.

Seriously. It ended that quickly. We never contacted each other after that conversation.

Ghetto Me

2009-09-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

So, in the last post I briefly went into the awful thing my ex did to me. Well, he didn't do it allll by himself. He had the help of his puppy dog. a.k.a his girlfriend. She does what he wants when he wants how he wants. Lost all ability to think for herself. So to please him, she helped in doing that to me. Part of the reason is because she is beyond jealous of me. Has been for like 8 years. She is the kind of person that I can imagine sneaking into my home after I leave, slipping into my clothes and rolling around in my bed. It killllls her that she will always know that my ex would leave her in a second if I ever gave the slightest idea that I would take him back.

To preface that story: She "dated" my ex behind my back during the last 3 years of my marriage. And she lived to torture me. Calls and emails saying how he likes her better. How she is "hotter".(barf). And then 1 day I finally got the courage to leave him. And he got stuck with her(muahahahahhaaaha). He will be miserable forever. I get so much pleasure in knowing that.

But back to the title: Ghetto Me. We happen to look similar, but get told(by my friends) that she looks like a ghetto knock off version of me. U think???:

10 weeks.

2009-09-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

My tenth week of pregnancy will go down as the worst week in history for me.

I came home from Florida to my sister waiting for me at the airport. It was an odd ride home. Neither her or her husband would talk to me. I thought they were probably arguing, like usual, and were cranky(like usual). I just sat in the back and played with my nephew.

We pull into my parents driveway. She wouldnt let me take my nephew out. She said dont touch him. And then told me not to get out of the car. She had to tell me something:

The previous morning my ex stopped by my parents house with a "book" he made. On the cover of this 100 page book was a naked picture of me. He made 7 copies of this book and handed one to every member of my family. For months prior to this morning my ex had someone following me and also break into all my online accounts. This book contained tons of private pictures, emails and my medical records. I have never felt so violated in all my life.

My sister proceeds to tell me how I am "sinning" and I cant touch my nephew anymore because I am dirty. How I cant keep this baby because it wasnt made with love. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. This couldnt be happening. And I had to leave.

That was July 6th, 2008. It was also the last time I have spoken to my sister or my parents.

The stork left you at the front door...

2009-09-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

This is going to be condensed version of a complicated story. The water will be added very slowly over the next few weeks. Because I am tired and I have a selective memory.

I was soooo done having kids. 8 years went by. NEVER a day of birth control missed. I met an INCREDIBLE guy on a dating site(lol). It was going to be 6 weeks from our 1st chat until we could meet in person. So, we did something Ive never done before. We gave up ALL forms of sex until we met. And during that time, we both went to the doctor and were tested for every STD on the planet. (We were both 100% clean) So, no condoms were going to be used. Only my pill.

We were in Miami having SUCH a great time. WAYYYY too much partying. I had a million drinks, he did way too many lines of coke. I had my period. We both decided it was OK for him not to pull out because you cant get pregnant on your period. Right??

Well, wrong. Who knew?? Not me. Definately not him. Less than 3 weeks later, I was very sick. We were going to have a baby.

We were sooo scared. We loved each other very much, but were only together about 5 months. Slowly, the idea sunk in, and we were getting excited. His mom was even happy she was getting a new grandbaby. My family, well thats a story for another day.

Zoes "dad"

2009-09-11T20:23:00.001-07:00

In pic #1, I am 8 weeks pregnant. He was very excited. But I was already very sick :-( Pic #2 I stole from facebook, lol. We havent spoken in 15 months, but every once in a while I go to his page to steal his pic. I keep them in a little folder, for the future, incase Zoe starts asking questions about him.